I died last night. The part of me that I was sure of, the piece I never had to question, it's gone. You wouldn't know it if you saw me, I know how to hide. From the outside, I'm the same red headed girl, sure of herself, going great places. From the inside, nothing. A hollow well from which her heart and soul have taken flight.

I can hear the crickets singing all around me and the wind caressing the leaves on the branches. My hair billows out behind me as I continue to place one foot in front of the other. It's not me taking my nightly walk, it's someone else, someone I don't recognize. I can still feel faint traces of that night, the night I passed away. It began like any other night, maybe I should've seen it coming, but I didn't.

By the next morning, I knew it had to be a dream, this numbness didn't meaning anything. The dream, it had hit a little too close to home, but still, it was just a dream, it wasn't real, was it? My biggest fear had come so close, it happened, it's done. I couldn't believe that wide-eyed little girl was gone, replaced by this block of ice.

"She's gone. Nothing is sacred now. Now, you are like every other girl, there is nothing left for you to give." No! Please! Pleading never changes it.

The cool grass under my arms, legs and face recharges what little life was left to me. I guess I fell, I didn't even notice when my trembling body hit the ground. Not even the pain from collapse can penetrate the rock I've become, hardened, tainted, no longer pure.

"Who will want you now? What prince comes to rescue the ghost of a once pure maiden?"

I lay there for a while, willing the heart to realize it was no longer needed, to give out, to stop. I'm already half dead, why not finish it off? Love is not a possibility for me anymore. What is life without love? My life was stolen from me, it left along with my innocense. I'm not angry, I'm not anything. I was alive not too long ago. I had something to look forward to. In fact, it was only hours ago that my treasure was safe and my heart was free. Now, I have to remind myself to blink and abandon my prostrate form.

This isn't my secret place, the solace I once found here drowned with all my hopes and dreams. Push myself up, crawl back onto my knees, brush off the grass and dirt. I still don't know why I came back here, out in the open, where anything could happen. I cant remember the last time I slept, but then again, I cant remember a lot of things before the night it happened.

Well there's not much more to take from me that hasn't been ripped from me already, so sitting here under the open sky poses no real threat...come what will.

Tears wont come, they seep inside, determined to keep me prisoner. It's not enough to grieve or to even try to feel. Wrap my arms around my stomach and rest my head on my knee. My body seems solid, still intact. Funny how the spirit can die but the body can carry on the lie.

How did I get here, is this really the end for me?

"Yes, there will be no knight coming for his lady anymore. You're not worth that anymore. Don't get me wrong, you used to be a priceless treasure, with everything to offer...now, a broken princess lying shattered by this winding stream."

But I've been waiting my whole life to be unveiled! To finally be roused by loves first kiss. Until now, the fairytale had been on it's way. He was going to get to have all of me, everything I saved for him. He was going to be my reward, he was going to be my treasure!

I waited for him, for all my life, I really did.

The street lamp in the distance flickers and dies away, the crickets get louder.

Why am I still here? What am I doing here?

Nothing is mine anymore...nothing.

The path advances backward as I make my way back to the house. I don't know what I thought I'd accomplish here. I'm still hollow, there's no more me, only traces. Small pieces of evidence that I had once existed, but not enough to convince me. That life seems like a myth, something you want to believe in, but you don't.

Trudging up the path, I'm going home, there's nothing left for me here. Only haunting traces of a sleeping love I once held for the One I thought would come, a love now dead and taking me with it.

"Amanda"

Keep walking, get away.

"Amanda"

No, I have nothing to say to you. I have nothing.

"Amanda"

Ignore it, it might go away. A cynical smile creeps in the corner of my mouth. Somehow knowing...it wont go away.

"Amanda"

What do you want from me! I am not her anymore! Don't you get it? You left me... you left me!

"Amanda"

Everything goes still, even the crickets stop singing. I'm paralyzed.

"Amanda"

I know not to search for the speaker. The whisper, I used to know very well. It used to be closer than skin. But now, I am a wall, a fortress, nothing comes in, nothing gets out. Not even the gentle whisper of my name from unseen lips. Love was not left to me and faith...don't make me laugh.

"Amanda, beloved"

No, I cannot accept that from You, from anyone.

It's getting late, mom and dad are probably wondering where I am. This bike path is longer than I remember, or maybe it's my laborious stride that keeps me from leaving this place. If I could feel maybe I might notice that I'm trembling.

"Beloved... there is no where for you hide where I cannot find you."

Anger. Rage. Utter inability to speak take over me. Sensations not my own, I want nothing more than to scream until I reach the end of my voice. For the first time since I was left for dead, I can feel. This tiny voice that wont go away, shakes me to the very core.

You let this happen! You weren't there! You let go! I am left with nothing and is that all you can say to me? I thought I could trust you!

"Nothing can separate you from my love, nothing."

I've fallen once more, this time, straight to my knees. Not noticing the scrapes I've taken as my body hits the ground. Thankful the park is deserted tonight, couldn't bare the staring eyes on me right now. My head drops, I've lost the strength to even hold myself up. This is was I am reduced to.

I am not worth it anymore! Don't you get it? Cant you see that? Anything worth loving was taken from me! Please, just leave me alone!

The rattled breath catching in my chest. The sobs are trying to escape as I shake my head, trying to block out the still, small voice that churns my insides.

"My love is as strong as death, my jealousy is stronger than the grave. You are still my beloved"

Tears. Signs of life. Maybe this is why I came tonight, I didn't believe anything would happen til this moment. Aching. Abandon. Nothing to say, nothing to do but listen.

"Beloved little girl, you are the same, you will always be my little girl. This is not the end of your story."

Finally, the prison that has held me for the last 48 hours has fallen away. The bars on my cells have broken. Uncontrollable weeping washes over and there is nothing I can do but be swept by the tide of broken emotion. Freedom to mourn what's been lost.

What do I do now?

"Be still and know."

Amanda, a 3-syllable girl's name of Latin origin, means: Beloved; Worthy of Love.

Can We Talk?

Can We Talk?

(This one is pretty self explanatory)

"Can we talk?"

Uh oh...didn't like the sound of that.

"Sure, what's on your mind?"

"Us."

UH OH!

"Us?"

"Yeah, I've been thinking a lot lately... where do you think we're going?"

What in the world is that supposed to mean?!

Looking him straight in the eye, "You know how I feel about everything that's happened. How many times have we talked about where we're going?"

He looks down at his Addidas. Trying not to look at me.

"I just feel like we're going too fast."

Two years...too fast?!

"I'm not saying that I want this to end, you're my best friend! You know me better than anyone!

I just...think we need some space..."

What!

"I've been praying about it and I think it would be a good idea to step back and think about other things."

Could you be more vague? Just say it!

"What are you saying? What is happening here?"

"I want us to be friends..."

Oh don't give me that! Twirling a strand of hair around my finger... a nervous habit.

"You really mean a lot to me, I know I cant replace you."

I never knew you wanted to. Still not looking at me.

"I really care about you, Liz. But I don't think our relationship is helping either of us right now."

Nothing.

"So this is it?"

"Yeah...this is it."

I never saw this coming. Wasn't it just last week we're dancing at our prom? Wasn't that his hand I was holding last night?

"I cant lose our friendship, I cant lose your touch in my life. But, it's pointless to wait for something that's never gonna come."

Now it's my turn to look down.

"Okay, have a nice life!"

"Don't be like that! Things aren't going to change."

Yeah, just keep telling yourself that...

"Well I need to get going, I have to go pick up Nat."

"Tim..."

Silence.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow, will you be home?"

I don't hear the rest. My body's gone numb. Not even a hug this time, just a casual goodbye.

What just happened? Did he really just leave? Just like that? No, he couldn't have left, he loves you, he'll be right back!

Stop it, you idiot, stop waiting for his calls. He's gone, remember?

Yes, it's okay to cry, go ahead. You deserve better than him anyway. You gave him your heart and look at what happened. He put it back infront of you and tore it in half.

Don't let him see you cry, don't let him see you cry, don't let him see you cry...don't let...him see you...

What did I do wrong? It's been a year? But a piece of me is still with him where ever he goes! That's what happens when you give your heart away.

But he told me that he loved me! Doesn't that mean anything?!

Don't ever let them see you cry.

Eternity

Eternity... a word without true definition. When we refer to eternity, we regard it as a period of time. But what is time? Here on earth, time is what we live by; and indication of where we are, where we've been and where we should be. To us, time is finite truth. Time is something we can grasp, something we can know...it's our security.

Have you ever gone for days at a time without a clock or a watch, never knowing what hour of the day you're living? It's not a comfortable situation! "Time for school! It's just about time for bed! Wow, I'm going to be late for work!" Can you even imagine not having that security? That cycle, that routine, that truth would be gone! How would we deal with that? How would that change reality?

Time is how we mark the progression of life. A year, a decade, a century - all very tangible periods of time. No one thinks of eternity, why? Because you cant! Our time changes and evolves, bringing newness and marking history and every season eventually comes to a close.

But what if you cant measure it anymore? What if it didn't matter?

A day could be like a thousand years and a thousand years could be a day. Eternity, forever, periods of time that don't ever end. I believe as humans we cannot grasp the concept of eternity but we are still very aware of its' presence. It's why we choose to believe in a final destination and why we choose to live our lives in effort to reach that destination. Every single religion offers a final destination, be it what it will. Why? Because we are aware that time as we know it will end. What happens after that? There's got to be something else coming after it! We know that.

Eternity in itself is the ultimate oxymoron. It strips away the security that time gives us, but is also a sure thing. We cant measure it and we cant grasp it, but somehow we know we're going to experience it. Eternity cannot be denied even if it is not acceptable. Who introduced this idea to us? No one. We know that time, as we know it, is limited and that there is more to life than being born, living a number of years and then disappearing. There would be no purpose for existence. What would life be like without a reason for living? Could you call such an existence living?

There must be a reason to be here, to be breathing, talking, growing and progressing. So what is your reason? Why try to accomplish anything? Why try to earn recognition when you, what you did and those who gave you recognition will eventually cease to exist? Can you live a life with no purpose? Why did you wake up this morning? Why are you reading this essay? There is a reason, no matter how small or trivial. So, if there is a reason for living, then dying cant be the conclusion, the final chapter. There must be something beyond death. Maybe?

No matter what you believe is coming, it's going to come. Death cant be the purpose, that's a waste of a life. Death is simply the intermission, the brief period between acts. Life as a play: The prelude is birth, act one: life on earth, intermission: death, act two: what comes next. So what is your final destination? What are you going to do with eternity? On average we have about 75 years to figure out what eternity will be for us. We will continue to exist. The matter of why, where are the elements of this idea that can only be answered by experience. Eternity...think about it.

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